Archive for the ‘Sea Tales’ Category

Protector of Ice Hut

Wednesday, June 15th, 2011

This War Mallet once belonged to a small and rather filthy creature known as “The Peck”. As legend suggests a silver mare bore the weight of the stanky stubby rider and shared in his many diseased habits. Apparently both rider and beast hunted anything that moved. After a hunt they would store their trophies in the Ice Hut. This may sound like an ideal place to keep your game but don’t be fooled, there was nothing icy about this hut. In fact it had the worst infestation a hut could have. Mice, rats, snakes and bats all shared the dwelling and didn’t hesitate to shit on anything that entered it.

Determined to protect their shit covered delicacies “The Peck” and his stead, “The Silver Brumby” never left the area of the Ice Hut, as a result any one who stumbled into their vicinity was brutally pounded into a pulp by the flexi-handled War Mallet. As the tale goes, their bodies were then thrown in the Ice Hut, shat upon, left to rot and eventually eaten.

Due to this evil, disgraceful history, the War Mallet has been designated Protector of Ice Hut. Unfortunately it has been lost for aeons and now only exists in tales. One thing that the many stories have in common is mention of a back lot, wood pile, behind some tree.

Origins of the Shithawk

Friday, February 12th, 2010


The title wizard is derived from the archaic word “Wys-ars”, meaning one who is very wise.  They existed long before man and some say the original wizards were able to manifest themselves as powerful creatures, like the orca, zebra, prancing pony and boar.  The pseudo-wizards of our day claim to use mathematical formulas to conjure mythical beasts, communicate with other life forms, control minds, and even travel time.  If you come across someone who makes these claims, pay no heed.

Authentic present-day wizards often look like regular people, even so, there is a way of telling if they are one. Wizards tend to give off a faint smell of sulphur due to a monthly cycle of producing and laying eggs. The sulphur smell is the result of a chemical reaction that occurs during the egg producing process.  The stink gets particularly strong when the wizard is near the end of its life.  When a wizard begins to die it will focus all of its body’s resources on producing a final egg which will contain its offspring or heir.  If the wizard is powerful the heir will retain a great deal of its predecessor’s knowledge.

There is an old tale about one of these eggs.  A dying wizard left its heir in a seagull’s nest.  When the tiny wizard hatched the seagull who owned the nest raised it as its own.  Unfortunately, the wizard quickly out grew its upbringing and enslaved the seagull as its winged steed.  Its influence was too great for the seagull realm to resist and eventually the wizard enslaved them all.

The wizard’s inherent intelligence treated him well.  It knew seagulls were very hearty creatures, extremely resistant to toxins and pollutants and using its knowledge of seagull psychology the wizard compelled the them to feed off the human’s waste.  After many tests it determined that putting human garbage through a seagull’s body would produce an even stronger toxin. The wizard had the seagulls rain terror upon humankind by dropping waste all over their lands.  To this day humans are still unaware of the effects; disfigured babies, disease, aids.

Although the wizard had won a great victory over the foul human pestilence, it had also caused great pain to the elegant seabirds.  You see, the human race only recognizes seagulls as garbage eaters, birds that feed off their excrement, the humans see the seabirds as filthy Shithawks.

Many think the term Shithawk is just a word and means nothing but little do they know.  Seagulls are a very sensitive species and they have a hard time separating others’ perceptions from their own.  The seagulls see themselves as filth mongers, scavengers, nothing more than a rat of the sky.  If the true history of the seagulls were to be revealed they could be saved.  It is said that they have ability to travel the galaxy, slice rocks with their beaks, and morph into any form they wish.  They could be the most valiant bird in existence.  Unfortunately, the wizard controls this knowledge and refuses to use it to restore balance.  The wizard is waiting for the human population to diminish before it gives the power back to the gulls.  For now, they are the wizard’s puppets.